Since I believe in transparency with all of my being… I’m going to just lay it all out here in hopes that my writing will bring clarity. I’m fully aware that our mistakes as a couple will bring judgement as well. However, we believe in the beauty that life’s lessons teach us and are looking forward to growth, healing… and understanding to continue on life’s journey.
A few weeks ago, my husband lost his temper. He had been very stressed out. I’m not entirely sure why, but it seemed linked to the return of his father. Mr. Smith’s dad left a few years ago. He vanished, divorced his wife (my mother-in-law) and stayed pretty quiet and distant from the family in another state. There really was no healing or discussion in the family through this very difficult time. It’s just not the relationship and system his family embraces. This almost killed me and caused a lot of pain and confusion for both of us. I pushed my husband away every time I saw glimpses of his father him out of fear that he’d leave me too. It was a difficult process and no one was ‘talking’ through it – which is a great need of mine. So… I just left it where it was trying not to make everyone uncomfortable. My husband seemed interested in his father’s return but also very hesitant and nervous. We went out for drinks with my father-in-law and Mr. Smith left crying and punching the dashboard in our car. I knew he had some unresolved emotions. It was only a few nights after that. I noticed my husband was stressed because he was very critical. We’ve worked through a lot in counseling. His criticism has always just ruined me. I chalked it up to a rough week at work and the reality of having to face his father long-term.
I was giving him a hair cut… he was complaining the whole time. He wanted it cut, but he was tired. I had already started setting things out and did my best to hurry along and trim him up quickly, but I was getting fed up with all the comments about how the cut was going. Nothing was making him happy. After I finished, I told him that his ungrateful self could clean up his own hair this time since I did all the work and he didn’t appreciate that I spend all day cleaning up hair at school. He refused. I left the hair. 20 minutes later I go off to bed and remind him the hair is still in the bathroom. He proclaims that I had better clean it up! I just carried on and crawled into bed… not 30 seconds later he had stormed in, drug me out of bed and threw me. He meant to throw me through the doorway and into the bathroom, but instead I hit the door knob very hard and then the bottom on the door as well with my chin. There seemed to be blood everywhere and I still hadn’t realized what happened since I only had feeling in the cut on my chin. I finally got the guts to look in the mirror. My fears were confirmed. He put his hands on me, and it was going to result in stitches. My right eyebrow was busted open badly and there was a deep gash in my chin. I start to get a little cold and panic. He won’t take me to the hospital. He’s too embarrassed. He’s also worried because we don’t have insurance and the ER will be an expense we can’t handle. I’m just terrified that my face is not going to heal without stitches and I could end up with a concussion. I decide to drive myself to the hospital. Later my sister met me up there. It was a lonely scarey night. I couldn’t bring myself to file a police report. I will not lie and say this is the very first time he’s ever put his hands on me. I had pushed him around a lot earlier in our marriage… I was always breaking things and throwing things. I never left any marks or anything, but I was the first to cross the physical line. So I partially will always take blame for this. I will never forget the first time he slapped me. I already have issues with my jaw locking and popping. It made it worse. And he also put his hands on my throat as well. I’ve still never been ‘afraid’ of him and he’s always been remorseful. Shit happens.
This was much harder for me. This is a scar on my face. This was going to be a lifetime of questions about ‘what happened’. I had 7 stitches in my eyebrow and 2 in my chin. He was very upset with me for being open about the situation. I never threw him under the bus, but I also didn’t feel comfortable lying. He saw that as me not ‘protecting him’. I saw that as him not protecting me. He was so distraught. The day after the incident was his birthday. I was trying so hard to help him feel better. I think, all my efforts to make sure he didn’t beat himself up so much that he was depressed and felt like a monster, left me feeling mistreated and broken myself.
Since we started swinging, I’ve had a Male Female Male (MFM) fantasy… so I’ve always kind of been on the hunt for a suitable guy. Mr. Smith still wasn’t comfortable with any of my choices yet but still allows me to talk to single guys in the lifestyle. I generally talk to a few guys at a time on the side. My husband reads all my texts, chat sessions and FB messages. We’re both very honest and open about any relationships and communication between us and other people. Every once in a while he will get a red flag and ask me to draw some lines. For instance, if I’m texting while its time for dinner and distracted by another or if one of the men seems to be wanting more from me than I can give – attention, relationship… indecent proposals to cheat (yep all those have happened). I know he sees single guys as dangerous. But for some reason, I get a kick out of it… and enjoy his communication with single women. Unfortunately, we were never really on the same page with it. I gave him a hall pass, he never took it. And… I talked to single men online and he tried to accept that and encourage me.
After my stitches, we met with some new people, good friends… and friends we planned to meet (my last blog was about Mr. and Mrs. Sensuous) as a group. I had to lie about my face. It made me so uncomfortable. I did it for him and so we could still go out. We weren’t planning to play since we had some ‘issues’ to work out, but since the other couple was driving so far at the last minute… I decided we should. I didn’t want Johnny to miss out. He had a real connection with her and I didn’t want to play the victim – you know? Those who called me out on my face… those who could read through my lie… they made me feel like an abused woman and I was just trying to be strong. So, I figured… lets just swing anyway, I could handle it! WRONG!
I started to feel like my husband didn’t even care what had happened. I was still hoping for my MFM and talking to a sweet guy I hoped my husband would eventually say yes to. He started to get uneasy… he was mentioning that I needed to be careful. He didn’t really want me to talk to him anymore, not unless it was strictly friends. I made that clear to this guy, but somehow our conversations kept steaming up. We had nearly identical personality types and just seemed to understand one another. I was clearly vulnerable and I didn’t even see it because I was too busy trying to be ‘strong’. I should have paid more attention.
After Mr. Smith said it was time to cut this guy off… I got very upset. I felt like he was taking something away from me that I deserved. After all – if I could be transparent – I had just ‘preformed’ so well by being his sexy committed wife so we could swing the previous weekend and afterward I felt terrible about it and all he cared about was that I wouldn’t do it again with this couple. I was devastated that he wanted me to. So, since I was finding so much comfort in this other man’s conversations… I started hiding them from Mr. Smith. I crossed the line. I justified it by saying that he was being irrational and I was only doing it to make him angry – there really wasn’t any real harm. Gosh was I an idiot.
One night – just 2 weeks after the eye brow incident, I went out with my best friend to a fundraiser. I hadn’t seen her in a while and we’d both been very busy. I just opened up and confessed everything. My eye and our swinging lifestyle. She seemed so attentive but concerned about my marriage – particularly about my staying with my husband. I was shocked how many people looked at me like I was a brain-dead beaten woman sticking up for her abuser for choosing my family. I think it all just got to me that night. I started to cry and find strength in the idea of maybe doing life on my own. Maybe he wasn’t sorry and I deserved better… and then, the text came from the other guy joking around about giving me his address (which is literally around the corner from my parent’s house). I told him to just stop teasing and give it to me already. I asked my best friend if she would be there for me if I left Mr. Smith. She hugged me and told me how strong I was and that she would most definitely help me through this.
Earlier in the week my husband had said: “I wish you’d just cheat on me so I could leave you.”
Those words were the first to come to mind when I saw this mans’ address come to my phone… and so, I knew if I wanted out – I had at least one way that would do it. I blasted my music, and responded that I was on my way over.
I felt numb. Lifeless… and though there is so much more to tell… I will have to continue the story soon, as it unfolds.