I wish a lot of things

A friend of mine wanted me to read a poem she read. She thought of me and my husband… it was about rekindling love. It made me cry. It also made me smile to know she is a newer friend and really cares about my happiness and wanted to encourage me to see passed the difficult moments and remember why I loved my husband in the first place.

I was sad today though. I’ve been a little sad since Sunday morning. My parents live in the same town as the man I had an affair with. So every time I go there, I’m reminded. I pass the street he lives on… and have to fight the temptation to drive by his house. There are little things I think of that remind me of him. I smile and then feel guilt and try to quickly forget and not allow myself to indulge in the memory.

Today I felt like I was morning the friendship. I think when I first decided to come home and work on things (I’ve really always been home, I just mean that I wasn’t going to try and think of how to leave anymore), I didn’t have much hope. Part of me felt like I was only saying goodbye to him for a little while… maybe it would only be a couple of weeks or a month before my marriage was clearly over and even if I didn’t start a relationship with him, I could go back to the comfort and friendship we had. I knew that wasn’t healthy so I’ve fought the memories and reminiscing. It’s not fair to Mr. Smith. I’ve already been so unfair to him. I guess I just realized today, I’m really never every going to see him or talk to him again – ever.

I cried a while. A few times. I don’t remember faces well, so when I care about someone I stare pretty intently trying to remember the lines of their lips, nose… eyes. My husband would always ask me why I was looking at him when he would drive. I hate that I forget such important physical details. If I don’t have a picture my memories become very blurry. When I dream, mostly, no one has faces. I hate that. I love when the moonlight streams in the window, so I can look at my husband while he sleeps and just remember. The last night I was with the other man, we were going to sleep and he shut off the TV and then quickly said “oops, I will turn that back on for you and shut the volume off.” I looked at him strangely and asked why, he said that he noticed I like to just watch him sometimes so I might like a little light from the TV.  I know my husband knows things like this about me, but for some reason I kept remembering this today and how nice it was for him to notice something so small about me and to consider it.

I’ve always wished Mr. Smith wouldn’t shut all the blinds at night. I hate it. I like the moonlight. I like to look out the windows. When he comes home, he closes everything up even before its dark in the summer time. I like to wake up to the sunlight on my face, but the blinds are drawn and the curtains pulled tight. Whenever I go to sleep alone or ahead of him, I leave the curtains open. 

I’m sure my husband notices way more about me than I realize. I just sometimes wish he would tell me. I wish he would let me see myself through his eyes more.

I hope the feelings fade even more as the weeks progress. It seems every time I’m afraid, I want to run to the other man. I have no contact. I don’t have his number, I didn’t memorize it before I deleted it. All my online accounts have him blocked and my husband watches closely. I know I can’t easily contact him, which is good and necessary. I just wish I didn’t care about him at all. I wish he didn’t matter to me. I wish I didn’t want his friendship. I wish he hadn’t made me feel so beautiful, so normal… I wish I had just kept it a friendship and not crossed the line. I wish a lot of things that won’t matter.